


the world that fell apart

by kaeg



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode: s02e15 A Problem of Memory, M/M, Malec, pre-2x15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 15:49:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11383374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaeg/pseuds/kaeg
Summary: magnus was awake for four days.(title from "find you" by ruelle.)





	the world that fell apart

**Author's Note:**

> it's been days and the 2x15 sneak peak has not left my mind once, therefore this exists!!

The first night, Magnus found Alec asleep. He was sprawled on his side, face pressed into the pillow, an arm hanging out over where Magnus should have been. His clothes were lazily discarded on the ground, and his fingers twitched, reaching for something that wasn’t there.

Reaching for  _ him,  _ Magnus realized, and smiled.

The smile didn’t last long, however. The warmth in his chest felt like a solid thing, and it was almost suffocating. 

Magnus made his way around the bed and sat down, taking hold of Alec’s hand. Alec mumbled into the pillow, immediately relaxing. He smiled something small, something beautiful, and Magnus could’ve sworn he felt peace, when all he wanted was to feel numb. 

Lying down was too compromising. Resting was one thing, sleeping was another, and Magnus wasn’t quite up to speed with either. But this, he could manage. He could hold Alec’s hand, watch the rise and fall of his bare chest against soft sheets, and listen the soft noises he’d make. 

With the flick of his wrist, Magnus had a book in his lap and a coffee on the bedside table. The nights were long, dark, and dreadful, but distraction was key.

 

* * *

 

The second night’s happiness both began and ended with Alec.

For all his stubbornness, Alec seemed to fall asleep as soon as his head hit a pillow. Not that anyone minded; in the loft, the pair fell asleep late and woke up even later, tracing patterns into soft skin and pressing kisses to messy hair.

Oh, how Magnus missed the soft mornings, leading into softer days. He found himself laughing at how far he’d fallen into this dreamworld of his, and how easily the illusion shattered. Maybe reality had decided to show him that nothing lasts forever.

When Magnus finally sat in bed, he took Alec’s hand in his and picked up a book. 

But of course, Alec decided to become a light sleeper that night, and woke up as soon as Magnus turned the first page. He made a series of grumbling noises as he opened his eyes, blinking in the soft light. When his gaze landed on Magnus, he hummed in confusion.

‘Magnus?’ Alec’s voice was rough. ‘What’re you doing up?’

Magnus realized quite quickly that he didn’t have a real choice in how to proceed. There was only one option, and it was to lie.

_ I can’t sleep, darling,  _ he wanted to say.  _ I don’t want to. I have too many memories, and I’d quite like rid of them. I feel true fear when I can’t see you, but when you touch me, it feels like I’m back in that cell. _

Instead, Magnus smiled. He closed the book, never meeting Alec’s eyes, and dropped it gently to the floor. ‘Just a bit of reading. You usually sleep like a rock, Alexander—is there anything bothering you?’

‘What? No—’ Alec’s brow furrowed, and for just a moment Magnus thought that the act was up—‘No, I’m fine.’ 

But then Alec smiled, and Magnus returned it. He allowed Alec to pull him under the covers, even though every part of him screamed to  _ stop. _

They watched each other for a moment, but soon Alec was pressing into the pillow once again, eyes fluttering closed, rubbing Magnus’ knuckles with his thumb.

And how could Magnus deny himself this? How could he refrain from shuffling forward to press a small, gentle kiss to Alec’s lips, and then a similar one to the back of his wrist? How could he keep himself from pushing their legs together, and throwing his free arm across Alec’s waist?

But Magnus woke to memories of blood, of runes and rough hands. He remembered a knife hovering next to his throat, and blood creeping along the fabric of his Mother’s dress. He remembered Alec staring at him with disbelief while he recalled intricate details disguised as desperate pleas. 

The fear was cold; he could feel ice flowing through his veins and constricting his lungs. It made his breaths come out more like wheezes and his whole body seemed to be shaking. He ripped his hand from Alec’s like mere skin contact was painful, and pushed himself to the edge of the bed.

Alec didn’t stir when Magnus stood up. His hands reached for empty sheets as Magnus hurried through the loft, throwing open the balcony doors with a spark of light from shaking fingertips.

It was one of the rare times when Magnus was happy to have Alec oblivious to something, and he hated it.

From the balcony, the sun was nowhere in sight. Below him, the city streets were silent. 

Magnus leaned against the balcony wall, pressed the balls of his hands into his eyes, and counted down time.

 

* * *

If he tried, Magnus could imagine his mother growing old. He could see himself matching her height, eventually growing tall enough to hug her like she taught him to; all heart, all soul. He imagined her growing old beautifully, in that elegant way people would always envy. He imagined making her proud, but not even the wildest imagination would give Magnus those extra memories, those extra years. 

The third night felt foreign. When he touched Alec, it felt like he was living a lie, where love was replaced with fear. Alec was busy at the Institute and Magnus was busy focusing on anything but his past. When Alec came home in a daze, kicking off his shoes and trudging over to the couch, Magnus failed to feel anything but relief. 

They kissed. It was brief, and painful, and Magnus longed for things Alec couldn’t give him. He wished to return to a time when these kisses were welcomed and anticipated. Now, they were used as a persuasion technique. 

Alec collapsed onto the couch. A plate of food appeared next to him on the table, and Magnus refilled his drink.

Whiskey. A risky decision in times like these, with the man he loved present in the room. His heartache drink, Dot had called it. 

Was this heartache? Was his heart empty? Or was he just a man with a heart too full?

‘How was—’ Alec yawned mid-sentence, reaching for the plate. ‘How was your day?’

The truth was bundled at the back of Magnus’ throat.

_ I did nothing today, Alexander. There were no clients, no meetings, no emergencies. I spent the afternoon rearranging my bookshelves by hand. As long as my hands are busy, my mind tags along. I need to keep myself busy. I can’t fall asleep. _

He shrugged, forever smiling. He allowed himself to appear an open book as long as he chose the pages. ‘Terrifyingly boring, to say the least. I would ask for details on your day, but you look ready to collapse.’

Later that night, when Alec had been coaxed off the couch and into bed, eyes drooping, he spotted Magnus standing in the doorway with a glass in his hands.

‘You don’t drink coffee,’ Alec mumbled. 

Magnus smiled at Alec as his breathing evened out. 

He held the coffee until it was cold, and dropped it in the trash some time later. He listened to the glass crack from the impact, and for a moment, wished Alec was awake to hear it. 

 

* * *

 

Magnus replaced coffee with tea and hoped it looked more foolproof than he felt. Alec could see through him, now, and his hands trembled at the very thought of being vulnerable.

‘Nothing is bothering me.’  _ I want to tell you, but I’m scared that you’ll leave.  _

‘Alexander,’ Magnus said, building up walls he didn’t know had fallen down. He needed this; he needed time. He needed to get it right. ‘I’m fine.’

After the fourth night, he broke.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr: [dandymot](http://dandymot.tumblr.com/)


End file.
